Thoughts in my head

I usually get thoughts in my head that I'd like to put into words at the most inconvenient times - when I'm driving, when I'm not home and not anywhere near a computer, at home when hubby's around...you get the picture.

He still doesn't know that I'm blogging. Can't tell him. There'd be too many questions - "Why didn't you tell me this before?", "What do you write about?", "Is it about me?", "What are you hiding?", "Can I read it?"...

I love him dearly and can't imagine living without him but he is so damn insecure...and high strung. I'm beginning to think that half the reason I am so stressed is because of him. And I know he loves me. He shows me that he loves me. But sometimes I feel like he doesn't respect me...or my feelings. He is a very close-minded person. He thinks his way is the only way and won't listen to someone else's point of view - almost tyrannical. And he doesn't like to admit fault or accept blame. He reminds me a lot of my 10 year old son...but don't tell him that! Talk about a personality clash - and yet their personalities have many similarities. Must be the Sagittarian in them. Family is immensely important to them with money and freedom being tied for a close second.

Don't get me wrong. There are many things I like about my husband. And some of my happiest memories involve him. I'm just terribly frustrated and I feel like I can't talk to him about it. I end up avoiding issues because I don't want a conflict. That was not the old me. And the old me would never have given in (which was not always a good thing!) But I don't think hubby is entirely to blame. I really think this change in me, as well as other changes were the direct result of being abandoned my ex-husband.

I know now that I am much better off without the ex but at the time it had such a devastating effect on me I didn't know how I was going to go on. If it wasn't for my kids, I probably would have just killed myself. R helped too. He came into the picture shortly after the ex walked out. So, yes, it was a rebound relationship. But at the same time it wasn't. I still wish I hadn't made all the mistakes in my life that I've made and I wish I had met R earlier in my life. But who knows what would have happened. Maybe we just weren't ready for each other before then. I know my experiences helped shape the person I am today. And I know that being in two previous marriages helped me to see the realities of marriage. That is one advantage I have over my husband. But I like to think that our relationship is strong enough to weather just about any storm. Not that I don't worry about the relationship failing. I still have a fear of abandonment. It is a major hang up for me. Much like infidelity is a major hang up for R. Guess he's had his share of less than faithful partners.

I really should learn how to send posts from my cell phone. I know there is a way to do it. I just have to figure out how...