Anxiety and paranoia
OK, so it's November, I've just registered for my classes in January and already I'm getting anxious.
What if I can't handle everything - work, school, kids, husband?
What if I fail a course?
What if I don't have time to get my school work done?
What if, what if....
You get the picture.
That' s just me, though. I worry. I'm a worrier. I've gotten less so as I've gotten older & gone through more life experiences. But I'm still a worrier. It's genetic.
But I already know that my husband is not very supportive of me going back to school. He's stopped short of saying, "No, you can not do that."
When I first started thinking about going back to school after the baby was born he told me he wasn't going to come home and have to work more (ie- housework, kids, etc. -- as if it's not any of his responsibility anyway). Yes, he's an ass sometimes. A chauvinistic ass. Granted, he works 40+ hours a week (most weeks). And he takes care of a lot of stuff at home too. But so do I. I think he thinks that because I only work 3 nights a week, I have more time than he does, as if I work less than he. Umm, hello?! I work nights, first off. Difficult in itself - especially when you have to switch back and forth between a day schedule and a night schedule. Not to mention when I work all night long, then come home to take care of an overactive toddler all day long. Apparently, he thinks I'm a robot and don't need sleep. Two, I work 12 hour shifts. Not eight short hours, but 12 long ones. That is the price you pay for having 4 days off a week. And C, I have a 40 mile (one-way) commute which takes, on average 45-50 minutes (assuming an average highway speed of 80mph and no traffic snarls). He, on the other hand, would never take a job that required traveling more than 15-20 minutes. And we won't even begin to list all the stuff that I do at home/for the household.
But despite his opinions and backwards thinking, I AM going back to school. And I WILL finish, no matter what it takes. Well, almost. I won't sacrifice my marriage or my kids for it. But this is VERY important to me and I've tried to make that clear to him. I keep telling him that I do not want to be a staff nurse all my life - and there's no way I'll be able to do this crap when I'm in my 60's! I've told him that if he ever expects me to have more normal hours and not have to work nights, weekends, holidays then I have to finish my education. Because an associates degree isn't going to get me there.
::sigh::
You know how you always hear how women want their men to change but men don't want their women to change. Bullshit. There's things about me he's tried to change -- and sometimes succeeded. And it's not that I want to change all of him. After all I fell in love with him and there's a lot there that I love...I mean, I really love. So, no, I don't want to change all of him...just his ass-iness. His closeminded-ness. His paranoia (read insecurity). I could come up with a whole post on that.
But I'll save that for another day...er, night.
What if I can't handle everything - work, school, kids, husband?
What if I fail a course?
What if I don't have time to get my school work done?
What if, what if....
You get the picture.
That' s just me, though. I worry. I'm a worrier. I've gotten less so as I've gotten older & gone through more life experiences. But I'm still a worrier. It's genetic.
But I already know that my husband is not very supportive of me going back to school. He's stopped short of saying, "No, you can not do that."
When I first started thinking about going back to school after the baby was born he told me he wasn't going to come home and have to work more (ie- housework, kids, etc. -- as if it's not any of his responsibility anyway). Yes, he's an ass sometimes. A chauvinistic ass. Granted, he works 40+ hours a week (most weeks). And he takes care of a lot of stuff at home too. But so do I. I think he thinks that because I only work 3 nights a week, I have more time than he does, as if I work less than he. Umm, hello?! I work nights, first off. Difficult in itself - especially when you have to switch back and forth between a day schedule and a night schedule. Not to mention when I work all night long, then come home to take care of an overactive toddler all day long. Apparently, he thinks I'm a robot and don't need sleep. Two, I work 12 hour shifts. Not eight short hours, but 12 long ones. That is the price you pay for having 4 days off a week. And C, I have a 40 mile (one-way) commute which takes, on average 45-50 minutes (assuming an average highway speed of 80mph and no traffic snarls). He, on the other hand, would never take a job that required traveling more than 15-20 minutes. And we won't even begin to list all the stuff that I do at home/for the household.
But despite his opinions and backwards thinking, I AM going back to school. And I WILL finish, no matter what it takes. Well, almost. I won't sacrifice my marriage or my kids for it. But this is VERY important to me and I've tried to make that clear to him. I keep telling him that I do not want to be a staff nurse all my life - and there's no way I'll be able to do this crap when I'm in my 60's! I've told him that if he ever expects me to have more normal hours and not have to work nights, weekends, holidays then I have to finish my education. Because an associates degree isn't going to get me there.
::sigh::
You know how you always hear how women want their men to change but men don't want their women to change. Bullshit. There's things about me he's tried to change -- and sometimes succeeded. And it's not that I want to change all of him. After all I fell in love with him and there's a lot there that I love...I mean, I really love. So, no, I don't want to change all of him...just his ass-iness. His closeminded-ness. His paranoia (read insecurity). I could come up with a whole post on that.
But I'll save that for another day...er, night.
posted by Supermom at 2:25 AM
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