It's coming back....

...I can feel it. And I feel like there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Have you ever had the feeling like you're standing on the tracks, you can see the train barreling toward you at a hundred miles an hour, but you're paralyzed and can't move? That's about how I feel. I just don't know if I'm paralyzed by fear or by hopelessness.

I even told R the other night that I thought I was getting depressed again. He asked "Why?" I told him that I think that's why I'm having trouble sleeping and I'm eating so much again. He didn't say anything after that. I think in his mind, as long as he can make me smile and laugh and he doesn't talk about the big, bad "D" word that I will be OK. I call it the "Man Mentality". Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that.

I'm taking my meds, so that's not it. I notice it started shortly after the last time I saw my doctor. When I filled one of the prescriptions, the pharmacy gave my the just-released generic version. I know that generics and brand-name medicines are the exact same drug -- hell, I'm the queen of generic drugs. But I can't help but think maybe that has something to do with it. It's stupid and probably unfounded, I know.

Compounding matters is the mega-huge fight R and I had yesterday. Well, actually it started the night before, while I was at work. He called me about something (trigger #1) and I just didn't have time to hang on the phone with him (trigger #2). He got pissed and hung up on me. Whatever. Like I have time for this crap while I'm super busy at work, trying to set up for our third admission in less than two hours that is about to walk through the door. The arguement got worse the next day. In typical fashion, the fight involved him destroying something and me in tears. I don't know what was worse, the terrible argument (and the fact that he over-reacted to something minor) or that his mom was still downstairs watching the baby while he was upstairs screaming his head off at me and throwing a temper tantrum.

He also got upset because I didn't get some stuff done for him. Yeah, like I have time to do that shit when I'm working three-in-a row. I really think he forgets not only that I work, but I work hellaciously long nights, that I do work at work (what a concept, huh?) and I just don't have time for anything else on the nights that I work, in between my shift, the crappy commute back and forth, and taking care of everyone else in this house (like making dinner, packing lunches, etc.)

It all makes me start thinking about death again. I have no intention of hurting myself, but if death came knocking on my door now, I think I would welcome it. Except that I worry about the kids, especially the baby. She's having a hard enough time not having me around when I'm working.

I know school is an added stressor, but to me, quiting is just not an option. Or I will be stuck in this same rut forever. And I need out. I need better hours, a better schedule. Something more family-friendly. I like working nights. It's just that my body doesn't (not that I'm a morning person, either). Neither does my family. And I hate being away from them.

Everything was going so well. Or so it seemed. R seemed supportive of my quest to further my education (finally!) and was helping me out so I could get my school work done. I kept thanking him and complimenting him about it, so he knew how appreciative I was. What the fuck happened???

Damned if I know....