Sorry, my mind was on vacation...

Ah, April. Yet another spring blossoms. Well, ain't nothing here blossoming...yet.

I know, it's been a while. So, here are the highlights...the good highlights.

• We picked up our camper. The one we bought (spontaneously) on New Year's Day. We go in to "look" at pop-ups and come out the owners of a brand-new 2007 30' travel trailer. It's finally home, taking up a third of our driveway. But, I'm happy about it.
• I finished my first semster of school. And I passed, too. Bonus! I think I got an A in my nursing course and a B in stats. Grades aren't out yet. Takes the college forever to send the grades out. Which would figure, since I need them to submit to my employer for tuition reimbursement. I'm back in for another semester and another 6 credits. Health assessement and an interesting course named The Management of Stress and Tension. I'm hoping it'll help me with all my stress and tension. HA!
• I'm feeling better. Not great, not 100%...but better. Better's good.
• I'm feeling a little more positive about work. Some nights I can actually go in without having to resist the urge to turn right around and go home. It probably helps that I got the week I wanted for summer vacation. Yes, I said week. That's all I got, but I can deal with that. I'm just happy that I got the week I wanted so we can go for annual family camping trip (sans the teenager). And the reservations are all made. The whole caravan is going - family and friends -- YEA!!!

Now for the bad highlights:

• Our freakin' property taxes are expected to go up 95% this year. Yeah, I said 95-fucking-percent! This after we just got raped by a 45% tax increase this past year. This will make my annual property tax payments more than my annual mortgage payments. WTF?!? You can bet that R and I will be at the town meeting next week to put our two cents in! Not that we'll have two cents left after this tax hike.
• My kid is stressing me out more than school and work combined. Tuesday night R & I got into an argument with her. About her chores. And her lying to us (about having done them). She & R start yelling at each other. Again. She storms out. Of the house. Fuck it. I have to go to work. So, on my way to work, I text my ex to see if he's heard from her. Well, apparently she did call him, but he was out-of-town (at the gf's, I assume) and told her he wasn't going to get her and she was shit out of luck (good!). But she did tell him where she was at (a friend's in town). So, I figure she can stay there for the night, so everyone could cool off. I figured she'd be back the next day, since she left with only the clothes on her back -- no school stuff, no money, nonothing. I did call the school the next morning (yesterday) to make sure she went, which she did. Waited for her to come home yesterday afternoon, figuring she'd stay and take the late bus home. 3:30 comes and goes. No kid, no call. So, I call her gf's cell. Told the gf, if she knows where the kid is, she better have her call me or I was going to call the cops. 15 minutes, I said. The kid calls back right away. But she says she's not coming home (but she did give me the address where she's staying). Gives me a whole bunch of crap. I told her, come home now or I will call the police. Go ahead, she says. OK, fine. So, I did (call the police). An officer shows up, R & I talk to him, I follow the cop to the friend's house. He talks to the kid in private, tells her she's going home, she has no choice...and if she continues to run away, she'll be arrested for disorderly conduct. She did come home with me. The cop talked to R & I some more. And that was it. Until this morning. I get a call from the school counselor. The kid went to the counselors office crying, saying she didn't want to go home. Gives her some song & dance about her home life sucking. Yeah, honey....welcome to the club. And it don't get no better from here. In the end, she came home, I didn't give her any choice. She just wants to go live with the ex where she has no chores, no expectations. She's 15 and lazy and thinks she knows it all and wants to come & go and do as she pleases. Um, no. It doesn't work like that. Life sucks. Get over it. Causing trouble in the house only makes it suck more. I swear, she's giving me more gray hair than any of the other kids..and I don't have much left that isn't gray!

Eh, I think that's about it. For now. Enjoy your spring. I know mine is fucking cold right now.

It's coming back....

...I can feel it. And I feel like there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Have you ever had the feeling like you're standing on the tracks, you can see the train barreling toward you at a hundred miles an hour, but you're paralyzed and can't move? That's about how I feel. I just don't know if I'm paralyzed by fear or by hopelessness.

I even told R the other night that I thought I was getting depressed again. He asked "Why?" I told him that I think that's why I'm having trouble sleeping and I'm eating so much again. He didn't say anything after that. I think in his mind, as long as he can make me smile and laugh and he doesn't talk about the big, bad "D" word that I will be OK. I call it the "Man Mentality". Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that.

I'm taking my meds, so that's not it. I notice it started shortly after the last time I saw my doctor. When I filled one of the prescriptions, the pharmacy gave my the just-released generic version. I know that generics and brand-name medicines are the exact same drug -- hell, I'm the queen of generic drugs. But I can't help but think maybe that has something to do with it. It's stupid and probably unfounded, I know.

Compounding matters is the mega-huge fight R and I had yesterday. Well, actually it started the night before, while I was at work. He called me about something (trigger #1) and I just didn't have time to hang on the phone with him (trigger #2). He got pissed and hung up on me. Whatever. Like I have time for this crap while I'm super busy at work, trying to set up for our third admission in less than two hours that is about to walk through the door. The arguement got worse the next day. In typical fashion, the fight involved him destroying something and me in tears. I don't know what was worse, the terrible argument (and the fact that he over-reacted to something minor) or that his mom was still downstairs watching the baby while he was upstairs screaming his head off at me and throwing a temper tantrum.

He also got upset because I didn't get some stuff done for him. Yeah, like I have time to do that shit when I'm working three-in-a row. I really think he forgets not only that I work, but I work hellaciously long nights, that I do work at work (what a concept, huh?) and I just don't have time for anything else on the nights that I work, in between my shift, the crappy commute back and forth, and taking care of everyone else in this house (like making dinner, packing lunches, etc.)

It all makes me start thinking about death again. I have no intention of hurting myself, but if death came knocking on my door now, I think I would welcome it. Except that I worry about the kids, especially the baby. She's having a hard enough time not having me around when I'm working.

I know school is an added stressor, but to me, quiting is just not an option. Or I will be stuck in this same rut forever. And I need out. I need better hours, a better schedule. Something more family-friendly. I like working nights. It's just that my body doesn't (not that I'm a morning person, either). Neither does my family. And I hate being away from them.

Everything was going so well. Or so it seemed. R seemed supportive of my quest to further my education (finally!) and was helping me out so I could get my school work done. I kept thanking him and complimenting him about it, so he knew how appreciative I was. What the fuck happened???

Damned if I know....

Running on autopilot...

Ugh.

I'm so incredibly, unbelievably exhausted.

As if raising four demons and working the night shift full time and running a part time home business wasn't enough to make one chronically sleep deprived...

I decided to throw school in there, too...Six credits for a 12 week semester. 'Cuz I just have so much spare time on my hands.

Seriously though...

I have to finish getting my degree. For one, I do not intend to stay a staff nurse my whole life. I want a life. I don't want to have to work nights and weekends and holidays. I want to spend the holidays with my family, not at work. And B, I know there is no way in hell that I will be able to function as a staff nurse when I'm in my 70's. And let's face it, my generation WILL have to work into their 70's (or maybe even 80's). I hold out absolutely no hope that Social Security will be around when I retire. Lastly, this is something I want. I want to be able to say I have Master's degree (although at this point, I'll be ecstatic when I finally get my Bachelor's).

I'm impressed, though. R actually seems to be supporting me in this. He's been understanding that I have to work on studying and assignments. It makes me so happy!

I'm dog-tired. But, I think I said that already...or something to that effect. I'll be glad when this shift is over (2 hours, 26 minutes) and I can go home. I'll be even happier if I can get through this shift without that 32-weeker in L&D coming over here before 7:30am. Then I have 6 nights off. Woo Hoo! Of course, that time will be filled with chasing after a toddler, refereeing fights between siblings, household chores and studying. And with any luck, I can get caught up on all my shows that I've recorded on the DVR but have not had time to watch.

Think I'll go put my feet up. I so hope I don't get that admission. With my luck, it'll come in 15 minutes before change of shift. Pray for me, people...pray for me.

Nice weekend, sucky holiday

Wow...

For once (I think), R and I got through a weekend -- an entire weekend -- without fighting, arguing, yelling or getting snippy at one another. Amazing.

I like weekends like that.

I can't believe it's Thanksgiving already. Well, almost. Time sure flies when your schlupping through life.

This year I will be "celebrating" Thanksgiving with my "second family". That is to say, I'll be working. The whole friggin' holiday. See here, at our wonderful ::eyes rolling:: hospital, those of us chumps who work night shift must work both the Eve and the Day (er, night) of the holiday (but we only get time and a half for the Eve). Those priveledge, pampered day people only have to work the actual day of the holiday. Just one more example of how night shift gets it shoved up the ass.

Ah, well....someday I will finish school and have my Master's. And (hopefully) I will find a job with "normal" hours. No holidays, no weekends, no overnight shifts.

Until then, I will just dream....

Just me & my Kit Kat...

Well, not really.

True, I am sitting here munching on a Kit Kat bar whilst I type.

But inasmuch as I wish I were alone with my chocolatey treat, alas, I am not. I am, in fact, at work. But, I console myself by the fact that in just 4 hours, I will be going home. Though I will not be alone there either, as I never seem to be alone at home, I will nonetheless be at home and not at work.

And the best part is that I do not have to come back to work tonight. Or the next night. Or the night after that. (We'll just leave the night after the-night-after-that alone...)

I know, I know. Such an exciting post, isn't it? Can't quite contain yourself you say?

I figure it's better than hearing about the massive argument -- no, fight -- that R and I had Sunday night.

Yeah, that was a fun one. Yelling and screaming (that would mostly be R) and tears (that would be me). Oh, and let's not forget R throwing the TV remote across the room. No fight is complete without that! I won't get into the down and dirty details of what the fight was actually about, but suffice it to say that not too many words actually came out of my mouth, because as we all know, R just can't let anyone voice their opinion. Heaven forbid someone else actually get a word in! In the end, I just caved. Again. It's just not worth the fucking aggravation.

I'm married to a tyrant and my house is a fucking dictatorship.

Fucking wonderful.

Anxiety and paranoia

OK, so it's November, I've just registered for my classes in January and already I'm getting anxious.

What if I can't handle everything - work, school, kids, husband?
What if I fail a course?
What if I don't have time to get my school work done?
What if, what if....

You get the picture.

That' s just me, though. I worry. I'm a worrier. I've gotten less so as I've gotten older & gone through more life experiences. But I'm still a worrier. It's genetic.

But I already know that my husband is not very supportive of me going back to school. He's stopped short of saying, "No, you can not do that."

When I first started thinking about going back to school after the baby was born he told me he wasn't going to come home and have to work more (ie- housework, kids, etc. -- as if it's not any of his responsibility anyway). Yes, he's an ass sometimes. A chauvinistic ass. Granted, he works 40+ hours a week (most weeks). And he takes care of a lot of stuff at home too. But so do I. I think he thinks that because I only work 3 nights a week, I have more time than he does, as if I work less than he. Umm, hello?! I work nights, first off. Difficult in itself - especially when you have to switch back and forth between a day schedule and a night schedule. Not to mention when I work all night long, then come home to take care of an overactive toddler all day long. Apparently, he thinks I'm a robot and don't need sleep. Two, I work 12 hour shifts. Not eight short hours, but 12 long ones. That is the price you pay for having 4 days off a week. And C, I have a 40 mile (one-way) commute which takes, on average 45-50 minutes (assuming an average highway speed of 80mph and no traffic snarls). He, on the other hand, would never take a job that required traveling more than 15-20 minutes. And we won't even begin to list all the stuff that I do at home/for the household.

But despite his opinions and backwards thinking, I AM going back to school. And I WILL finish, no matter what it takes. Well, almost. I won't sacrifice my marriage or my kids for it. But this is VERY important to me and I've tried to make that clear to him. I keep telling him that I do not want to be a staff nurse all my life - and there's no way I'll be able to do this crap when I'm in my 60's! I've told him that if he ever expects me to have more normal hours and not have to work nights, weekends, holidays then I have to finish my education. Because an associates degree isn't going to get me there.

::sigh::

You know how you always hear how women want their men to change but men don't want their women to change. Bullshit. There's things about me he's tried to change -- and sometimes succeeded. And it's not that I want to change all of him. After all I fell in love with him and there's a lot there that I love...I mean, I really love. So, no, I don't want to change all of him...just his ass-iness. His closeminded-ness. His paranoia (read insecurity). I could come up with a whole post on that.

But I'll save that for another day...er, night.

Well, hello again...

Mmm-kay....

Guess I need to blog just a little more often. Just maybe.
::sigh::

Where did we leave off?

Well, lets see...

Me. I'm doing pretty good, I guess. Mood's been pretty much OK. Meds (yes, plural) definately help. Still too fat. Still ridiculously sleep deprived. Trying to get a handle on my finances. Started using a new (to me) program called Mvelopes. It's an online finance & budget program. Getting fed up with Microsoft Money. Don't get me wrong, I like Money...in theory. The problem is, as Mvelopes points out, with programs like Money is that tracking spending is after-the-fact. You compare what you've spent with your budgeted amount at the end of the month (or whenever you do it). Mvelopes is basically a modern, technolgical form of the traditional budgeting plan where one puts X amount of money in one envelope for say, the mortgage, and X amount of money in another envelope for the groceries, etc. You get the idea. My other pet peeve with Money is how freakin' slow it is. And it bogs down other applications that are running too. I also hate the fact that if you want the latest version of Money, you have to buy the latest version. No, Mvelopes is not free but they do have a 30 day free trial.
So far, I'm really digging this program. I've got the program pretty much figured out now. I'm just trying to get everything organized, and set-up and figure out which end is up, so to speak. My next step is to sit down with R to discuss budgeting & finances & goals. Well, actually my next step will be to set up an Mvelopes online Bill Pay account. Not so much for the online bill paying ability. I already have that with CheckFree (which actually backs Mvelopes Online Bill Pay) but so I can set up the bill reminders. Mvelopes itself doesn't have a way to set up bill reminders. I need that. Many a time I have almost forgotten to pay a bill until I see that it's due in the bill section of Money.
I'm also going back to school. Need to finish my bachelor's. Want my Master's. I can't be a staff nurse the rest of my life. There's no way in hell I can do this when I'm in my 60's. So, I applied to Thomas Edison State College. They have an online RN-BSN/MSN program. All my previous credits from UCC & UW-GB transferred. I need 44 more credits to get my BSN. 28 of them are the nursing courses. Of those, 9 credits are graduate-level courses. And required. But, because they are a part of the BSN program, I only have to pay the undergrad rate (a $1323 savings!). And I will be 9 credits ahead for my Master's. I know, I'm crazy. I know what your thinking: four kids, including a toddler who is right in the middle of her temper tantrum years; a full-time job working night shift; everything else that goes along with having a family; a part-time business. And now you want to go back to school, you say? Yes, yes I do. Somehow I will do it. I did it before (minus the fourth kid and the full-time job and the part-time business). I just have to. Anyway, I start in January. The online courses are 12 week semesters. The general ed stuff usually runs so there is a new class starting every month, or nearly so. The nursing classes run four times per year (January, April, July & October). I plan on taking 2 classes (6 credits) per semester except for July. Seeing as we usually go camping in July, I will skip that semester. Besides, I get $5,000 in tuition reimbursement from work. If I take the 18 credits per year as I planned, then I will only have to shell out about $148/yr for my undergrad studies. My plan is to get student loans to pay for the classes (I will have to fund this January's classes initially -- probably with a credit card -- then pay it off with the student loan), then when I get my tuition reimbursement money, I will apply that to my loans. See, I've thought this thing through.
I'm hoping I can study at work, rather than spend my time as I do now: reading, playing games in my Palm & spending time online. And I can jump online for my classes as necessary at home, and possibly at work, if need be.

Work. Work's work. Not always my favorite place to be, but it's OK. I can deal with it, most of the time. Some nights aren't so bad, some nights just totally suck. That's just the way a job is. At least I enjoy being around my co-workers. Most of them anyway.

Hubby. He's doing OK. We're doing OK. We still have our issues from time to time. We don't always talk it out though. Let me rephrase that. We usually don't talk it it out. You see, he still has a problem listening when others speak and he still refuses to see anyones point of view but his own. And I have this problem where if we're going to talk about soemthing, I actually want to be heard and listened to (silly, isn't it?).
I don't expect him to always agree with me - just consider my side. Nor do I expect that my point of view will always be correct. But for Christ sake, can't he just consider my feelings? I at least try to see his side. Even if it is irrational. So, I usually end up keeping my mouth shut. It's better to be bitter and resentful in silence that have a great, big argument.
::sigh::
But, overall, we're doing well. We're enjoying raising our daughter together. We do enjoy each others company -- most of the time. He does get a bit moody from time to time ::eyes rolling::
And, I supposes I can get a little bitchy every now and then ::smirk::
Sometimes he surprises me. Does something very sweet and very unexpected. The other night he surprised me and took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant. Just the two of us (as if we can really afford to take those monstrous little food horders out to eat!). It's not just the material things, either. It's usually some sweet gesture which doesn't involve spending money.
I've come to the realization that we each show our love and affection in different ways. Me, I'm the nurturer. I show my love and affection by being concerned about his health and well-being. And trying to make sure he can get some sleep when he wants to take a nap. Stuff like that. Him, he's the worryer. If he thinks it's taking me too long to get home from work, he has to call me to make sure I'm alright. Sometimes this annoys me. But I'm trying to remember that this is just his way of caring.

Family. The kids are, well, kids. Sometimes they surprise the hell out of me -- in a good way. Other times, it's all I can do to restrain myself from seriously harming them. Remember the old Bill Cosby bit about kids having brain damage? That's my kids.
The baby is getting so big and so grown up. She seems to have a new word every day. And damn, she is smart. Too smart for her own good -- or my comfort.

But anyhoo....

There's plenty more to write about, but I should be getting back to my work.